You never expect to get a call like this from a school! Day 82
Sep 28, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3N8NbqEmQc

[Music]
welcome to what day are we on Thursday
Thursday Wow
the day has her the week has already
passed us by wanted yeah anyways um slow
start to our morning just tended to the
baby's needs
got them all full of their cold
medicines showered and then we were just
sitting there and all he's like let's
just go let's get out of here let's go
do something that changed the atmosphere
so we're gonna go get the car washed and
go get him a red bow and get me my Dutch
tea and then I don't know what we're
gonna do go find something to do I don't
know what so I guess I'm taking you guys
along for the journey and we will see
what trouble we can get into today
good morning
that totally does not surprise me that
he would say that sake say good morning
Esther I say good morning why do you
become camera shy now anyways I hope you
guys are having a wonderful start to
your morning
it is 11:20 here and it is 59 degrees
it's supposed to get up to 80 I think
they said 86 I mean like 86 it's like
hello we're in fall now like what's
going on
I really don't like this heat anymore
I'm good but I really don't like the
rain either so decisions decisions on
what whether I like weather do you like
Alaska let's good weather yes we are
more of a cold family though we always
have been but yes sweetie we are gonna
go get the car wash whoo that truck was
to turn in fast Wow was sweetie yeah we
are gonna go get the car wash
anyways yeah we're more of a family that
likes the cooler weather I'm not so much
I really could care less about the snow
as long as we don't have to drive in it
cuz yeah we had a couple incidents not
last year but the year before that where
it was a little scary so do you ever
remember like when you're going through
like a car wash like the thoughts when
you're a child yourself and you're going
through it and you're like the the
things that would run through your head
now as an adult you know the things that
run through my head as a child I would
just think like you know the windows are
gonna blow in or you know stuff like
that
cars gonna flip over but now when I go
through the fire now that I go through
the the carwash now it's complete final
destination thoughts like seriously I
just imagine that the sooner the Sun
Rose is gonna pop open and like nowhere
be able to stop it or some something's
gonna happen to create havoc in my car I
hate it I hate I hate it but yes that's
that's the thoughts that go through my
mind and so currently we're in the car
wash right now
[Music]
okay you guys so we've been home for
just a little bit but like I was saying
last night I wanted to get back into
routine continue on with life I know
that it's hard when people are sick but
you know I think routines sometimes
excuse the fact that this is all messy
[Music]
yes I will make you lunch I think that
sometimes getting back into a routine
and doing things scheduled it just kind
of changes up you know the relaxation
the lounging around so when we came home
today I pulled out all the school stuff
and we did school today and they learned
Omar come here come here that's right
come here
okay a a is for no as for a is for Apple
and B is for good yes they got it is for
Apple and B is for bear and I will
insert pictures here in a minute to show
you guys what we made for B for bear
[Music]
you
what yeah B is for bear and so like a
got a loose thing there um anyways so
yes we got back in the house and I was
just like you know what let's just do
school I know that the kids enjoy it it
gives them something to do and it also
gives them something to look forward to
so and then I got a really disturbing
call from the school
it wasn't automated but it was to all of
us parents that there was a man that was
arrested today in Beaverton Oregon but
had I guess access to our shells okay
Omar you're being very ok we'll take
care of it in a second anyways that he
had access to our children at Jeremiah's
school in 2000 well 2018 but the
beginning of 2018 and it was very
concerning because he was arrested on
rape and something else I don't remember
exactly because I went into complete
freakout mode second I got the message
but I was raping something else but it
just you know as I was listening to that
message and the things that run through
my mind honey
[Music]
okay here Omar can you move please stop
that's not being nice listening to the
the message it just really just like hit
me hard because when we send our
children to school we send them to be
safe we send them to learn we don't send
them to worry if you know if that's
gonna be the last day we see them we
don't send them to school to know if
they're gonna lose their innocence due
to a teacher or an adult that's over see
you know over seeing the children and
it's just so heartening because I know
that there's so many amazing teachers
out there and amazing you know school
advisor workers and things like that
and I would never in a million years
imagined but it's like you know I know
that there's so many amazing people out
there but it's so sad that there are
still some sick individuals that have
access to our children our babies you
know and it just uh it makes me so mad
because it makes me lose trust a little
bit more with the school system because
it's like how did this man get through
the cracks how did he have enough time
to be alone with a child he was a guest
I guess he was he wasn't a teacher at
the school but he was a guest at some
type of summer camp which I don't put my
children through camps I will never put
my children through camps I have heard
way too many stories and I know of one
personally that happened when I was a
child no it wasn't me individually but
one of the counselors
it was a church camp of all things and
one of the church counselors she was a
female and pretty much one of my friends
and her like hooked up sexually at the
camp I was aware of it I didn't know
wasn't there but I was aware of what
happened I didn't say anything because I
didn't want the camp counselor to get in
trouble because I felt like you know I
was obligated to keep that secret
because of my friend but I remember that
the counselor had snuck out a couple of
times with my friend and they would like
run the woods and stuff like that okay
Omar you're being very rude and they're
gonna get stuck in they're gonna scream
so anyways you know that was a personal
experience right there I mean no it
didn't affect me personally in the sense
that it was me but it affected me
personally in the sense that it was my
friend that it happened to and again
it's like you know I can reflect back
and be like you know here our parents
sent us to this Christian camp to get
closer to God and you know to have fun
and stuff but here one of the church
counselors was hooking up with one of my
female friends if that makes any sense
and it was a female a female chaperone
or whatever you want to call them camp
counselor and it's not the fact of the
girl-on-girl or anything like that like
please don't don't like misunderstand
what I'm saying I'm not saying that I'm
a good like that I have any opinion to
that but what I'm saying is maybe that's
why it was more camouflaged because at a
Christian Church camp they wouldn't be
assuming that a female would be going
with a female I don't know I'm done just
throwing something out there but anyways
I just it just breaks my heart it really
breaks my heart and now I have to have a
conversation with my son when he gets
home about you know the people that you
should trust
might not be a person you can trust and
if anything happens that makes you feel
uncomfortable or if there's something
said that makes you feel uneasy you
always go to the nearest person you know
that you can trust or as soon as you get
home you talk to mommy and I will take
care of it but you'll never be in
trouble you know those type of things
because it's just but again it's so sad
why do we have to have a conversation
with my son about going to school and
not being able to trust the people that
are supposed to taking care of them it's
just anyways on that note my son is
stuck behind my chair because he decided
to jump back there
my daughter has obviously pooped herself
because she told us all and she wants
some more crackers so I have a few
things that I have to go and tend to at
the very moment but I will check in with
you guys a little because I have more
things to go I just got done changing
diapers and putting the kids in a little
bit cooler clothes because like I was
saying earlier it's gonna get hot today
um Wow um but I was sitting here and I
just wasn't feeling very good I feel
like my fever is kind of coming back so
I had only give me the thermometer and
it's gone back up to a hundred I don't
know what's going on I need to stop like
I feel really good for a second and then
it's like maybe I do too much
I don't know but no matter what I don't
care I am going to work out tonight
whether I feel good or not because I got
it
I want to work out I need to work out
that's what makes me feel good so
anyways yes
that's what I'm doing and because
they're not going to lay down for a nap
I would wish they would but so probably
gonna go and maybe watch a Netflix movie
or something while they watch cartoons I
don't know all he has to work again this
evening so
he will be gone a little bit too late ah
so anyways well wonderful afternoon I'm
just sitting here I'm just waiting and I
just took some medicine good ibuprofen
because my headaches kind of coming back
but I know that's from probably my
temperature going up so quickly so so
anyways yeah that's what that's what the
dealio is good evening you guys yes I am
coming to you
Wow I'm finishing a project so we're
going to chit chat while I'm doing this
this because well that's what's gonna
happen
so today it was a really a really really
good day for me honestly it's been a
very good day um there's been a few
challenges kids are still really sick
they're grumpy so it makes life a little
bit hard sometimes to get things done
but you know it it's that's really part
of mom you know that's part of mom life
you you can't escape that a hundred
percent as much as sometimes moms want
to you know we have days where you know
we just we want to escape to and doesn't
make you a bad person it doesn't make
you be you know wrong because you you
you maybe you want a break you want to
get away for a little bit here right not
gonna happen and that's really
unfortunate sometimes but when you've
got especially when you have got sick
kids that have been sick for a few days
you've been sick yourself your husband
has been busy working non-stop bless his
little heart you know he is doing what
he can to provide for our family and you
know but sometimes it's easy
sometimes Phil I guess a little alone
like you know if you want your you know
you want your second hand man to be
there and help you and he wants to be
there to help too but you know he he has
to provide you know and so it's kind of
one of those things where you have to
make a choice in the sense of okay I
know that he's out but he's you know
he's working hard he's making money for
our family and you know even though I
haven't felt good this is mom job you
know and today I was feeling fantastic
you guys like filling fantastic we went
and ran a couple errands
we went took a drive it was a really
nice day and I came home I did school
with the kids which was really fun and
then about an hour and a half after uh I
did school with the kids like all of a
sudden I started feeling like my fever
was coming back and I was like what in
the world like I just was feeling fine
and so I took my temperature and it was
a hundred and one and I'm thinking crap
you know like did I overdo myself you
know should I buy took it easy because I
am still battling this UTI so I was
thinking maybe that's what it's from so
it was a little bit taken back because
you know I wanted to do exercising
tonight and I just had my old day
planned everything I wanted to do and lo
and behold I you know all he was talking
he's like Amy I just I really think that
you you really need to take it easy a
little bit longer you know I know that
you want to get in an exercise I know
you want to do those things and I
understand that but at the same time we
want you to get better too and and I get
it you know I hundred percent understand
what he's saying because it makes total
sense but it's so hard when you have
such high life goals that you want to do
when it's like why me like you know why
me the one that one
to work out the one that wants to take
care of herself and you know I just I
was on such a good groove and then boom
all of a sudden just everything stops
you know it just stops mid track and
sometimes that I think can be hard for
moms dads anybody grandmas aunts uncles
I mean whoever is a care provider for
children when you are so mind set on
something you truly truly you want you
want to reach the max amount of the goal
that you've set towards yourself at
least that's how I feel you know and
that's how I face my my whole journey is
that I reach for the stars there is
nothing too high for me
you know I've accomplished being able to
walk through stores and you know be able
be able to do just daily things daily
tours things that I'm not used to doing
and those things feel great you know but
then when you get setback because of a
medical reason it can be disheartening a
little bit you know it's kind of a hard
pill to swallow especially when I'm
getting ready to take all my medicines
it's like today I took my medicines and
yeah it was like they'd literally gave
me heartburn I had to take tums which I
never take tums because I never have
heartburn didn't even have her promis--
pregnant I never had heartburn um but I
had heartburn really bad this morning I
was like holy moly
so all he said well maybe we need to you
know space up the medicine a little bit
so you're not taking all at one time so
maybe your body just can't adjust or
like ingest that much or you know
whatever I was like true so I have that
you know that I'm kind of going through
and then I got kind of a little bit of I
guess a concerning call from my mom
yesterday
I didn't talk about it yesterday during
closing because I was still just kind of
I guess kind of processing the
conversation a little bit and we kind of
got off the phone abruptly and I wasn't
sure if she was gonna call me back and
talk to me about it or kind of what what
was kind of gonna happen from there
because you know like I said we just
kind of ended the conversation kind of
weird so it was just kind of one of
those okay I don't know how this ended
but I'm just gonna take it for what it
is and anyways so she had called me and
I'm not gonna say names but I'll use the
terminology of who the person is but
anyways so she called me and she says
well she's like Amy I have you know well
she but first she was like hello how are
you I was like oh good you know what are
you doing no I'm sitting here with the
kids you know that they've been really
sick and she didn't really asked too
many questions which it's okay you know
but you know I told her the kids were
sick or whatever and then we proceeded
to talk you know and I kind of started
like three times maybe even four to tell
her that I've been even really sick you
know because I haven't talked to her in
a couple days so I haven't had a chance
to really tell her that you know I've
also been battling sickness and you know
that's kind of just the relationship we
have is that I've never really you know
I've never really talked to my mom when
I'm having like a really hard time and I
think that that just goes because we
really don't have that kind of a
relationship that she ever was really
around me when I was going through
different times in my life so she's not
really one that I turn to when I am
going through something because it's
kind of out of character to turn to her
not that it's anything bad but it's just
because of how our relationship has
always been so anyway so she was just
like talking and stuff and then she kind
cut me off a little bit short and was
like so I'm gonna ask you something I
was like oh hey and she was like can you
please keep grandma in your prayers and
I was like oh yeah you know I mean I
don't have a problem keeping people in
my prayers you know I mean never have
and I never will
praying for somebody is much different
than like having a relationship and such
so she says well you know I know you
don't love her but I do and I thought
that that's what I heard her say but I
wasn't a hundred percent like what
and she's like what I said yeah what did
you just say it's just like oh oh I
don't know I shrugged it off and I
thought okay whatever no you know I know
I heard what I heard
and she says but you know she is mine
she is my mom and I said okay yeah I'm
aware of that I know and she says well
you know she says she's been really ill
the last few weeks or months or whatever
and sorry I've got glue gun error
pinging for my Heath I'm me and it keeps
coming back on me um she's been sick for
a few months and she really could use
some extra prayers and you know she went
to the doctors and the doctor is saying
that they think that she has colon
cancer and I was like oh wow I was like
yeah you know I definitely could keep
her in my prayers it's not a problem and
she's like well you know she's like I
know that you you really don't care but
she is my mom and I was like well you
know I said I don't know whoever said
that I don't care or that I don't love
her I was like loving somebody is much
different than loving somebody and
having a relationship with the person
and I said you know and that's the most
beautiful thing about being a human is
that you don't
have to have somebody dictate a
relationship for you you are very free
to make that decision how you want to go
about with that relationship and I said
in mmm for her I said you know it's it's
not that I don't love her for say but I
very much dislike the things that she's
done towards me in the you know within
the last few years and towards my
personal immediate family and so you
know I made a stand I took a stand in
April 2010 and you know I said that I
would no long put myself in the position
to surround myself around negativity and
drama and in Lies because ultimately
what it comes down to is you know she
had lied about some stuff about me and
spread some major lies throughout the
family and they were not true and she
knows the bottom of her heart she knows
she's a fibber about those things but
you know what there's only you can only
make somebody change if they want to
change you can only make somebody man
not basically and say hey I was wrong if
they want to do that you can't force it
um so at that time I was just like you
know I'm not gonna do this like I'm not
gonna keep because when I was younger
and I don't know where this came about
but when I was younger I was kind of
more I guess you would say kind of like
the escapee go of the family if
something went wrong Amy did it Amy said
it amy repeated it amy's lying and I
always had that title and nine out of
ten it wasn't true I wasn't the one that
was
I wasn't but the the adult would they
would say no there they didn't say it
you know they would totally make it
sound like make it sound like of course
I was the liar because they would deny
it they would deny the truth so of
course you know I just shut my mouth and
went along with wife because no nobody
was gonna believe me so what was the
point in fighting with that one and in
my family you dared not to fight with an
adult like you would not argue with an
adult because in the end you're gonna
lose and your butt is gonna be torn up
not physically but you would be ran
through the mud basically so there is no
point to argue you just kind of like
okay whatever
you know and move on so anyways so
during this time
this is the same amount of time that I
had went back to Egypt Mary dolly came
back found out I was pregnant lost my
son and then there was some very very
gnarly comments made from her about
basically saying that you know I'm just
gonna say I'm gonna be honest you know
and if she watches this well I guess you
know I guess you could be ashamed for
what you have told your granddaughter
but basically her comment was well honey
I'm very sorry for the loss of the of
the baby but you know maybe it was a
good thing because you know it was gonna
be an Arab baby
when somebody especially someone that
you call a family member / grandmother
says something like that to you when
you're going through the most hardest
time of your life and you're alone my
husband was in Egypt he couldn't get
here Jeremiah was just turning well he
was one-and-a-half so he wasn't even 2
yet I my life was chaos during that time
and all I needed was some support and I
found nobody nobody to support me and my
family and when somebody could be that
low to make a comment like that shows
the type of character that they truly
are but you know what even though it
hurt my heart so bad I did not sever the
relationship I chose to ignore it and I
chose to still I mean I didn't ignore
but I chose to put my feelings on the
back burner and allow her to get away
with basically what she said but when I
went to a wedding in April of 2010 and I
was using my phone during that time to
take pictures of the wedding and you
know participating and you know the
excitement and stuff once we got to the
rehearsal art about the rehearsal the
the party afterwards the reception we
were sitting there there's tons of
tables and stuff none of my cousins
would talk to me like everybody acted
like I was just the major stranger off
the like somebody literally actively
everybody acted like I was just a
stranger that walked into somebody's
wedding that they had no clue who was
like I literally sat there none of my
family came up to say hello to me
nothing and there really was hurtful but
I was just like okay
whatever you know let it be and so I
went ahead and I stayed for the
reception and then Ollie had called well
during that time back in 2010 they
didn't have like FaceTime they didn't
have any of that and if they did I
didn't have an iPhone anyways add an
Android but our phone bills were like I
was paying literally like $850 a month
of a phone bill t-mobile knew me when I
would walk in they'd be like you have
one of the highest bills that we see
come through this place like what are
you doing with your phone so I told him
and and that was after they applied
different like discounts instead it was
crazy and Olli was paying a rip load of
money to to have conversations with me
but our conversations would only be able
to last like five minutes and it's still
we would be paying so much so anyways
this day I hadn't talked to him he knew
I was gonna be a wedding and stuff so
you know I told him that I was gonna be
busy so if I didn't answer and he had
called he you know he would know but I
love talking to my husband who doesn't
want to talk to their husband especially
when you're being apart from them and I
have at that point I had already been
apart from him since DISA I left let's
see I went I went to Egypt November 14th
I came back December 10th and this day
that I'm talking about in particular was
April 9th I want to say her April 10th
of 2010 so I had been a few months since
I had seen him so of course I was
missing him he you know let me he's my
husband so all he had called in was at
the reception so I ran out really quick
to take the phone call and during that
time everybody was talking about how I
was on the phone all whole time talking
and why did I even bother coming to the
wedding because I just you know put
everybody behind and went into phone
calls and literally I was on the phone
for maybe five minutes because that's
all we could afford to talk to out at a
increment amount of time
so was less than time then I would even
go to take a bathroom break and and then
during the wedding I was accused of
being on my phone texting and stuff and
I'm like no it wasn't I was taking
pictures but okay cuz everybody knows
everything so and unfortunately my
grandma is the one that went along with
the lie and spread that rumor around to
everybody and made me look like a fool
and I was just like you know what I'm
done like I'm not gonna be treated like
a piece of crap and be treated like this
horrible person because I married the
love of my life and I simply wanted to
take a phone call that he had called me
like what in the world so I haven't
spoken to her in eight years okay so now
we're going to get up to where we're at
now so when I was told that you know she
was sick and things like that I
definitely was like you know sure yeah
oh wow honey I'm closing my video yes
okay - so I you know when I was told
that she was you know sick and stuff I
of course I was like yes I will
definitely keep her in my prayers and
you know and you know keep her my
thoughts and stuff like that and you
know my mom's like well you know she is
my mom and she is your grandma no matter
what and I'm like okay I get that and I
understand that she's my grandma and I
understand she's your mother I have
never ever ever denied that she is your
mom and I have never disrespected her to
you even though I could have I never
have but at the same time I don't have
to accept a relationship with her when
she has said some major things now since
all of that stuff happened in 2010 once
all he came here within the last I would
say three years
she went on a big old my grandma went on
a big ol thing of ranch two people many
people because it came back to me not
just for my mom but from other people
that always an abuser he abuses me he
beats me he's taken me away from all of
my family he holds me captive or captive
[Music]
he's the worst person ever multiple
things and the crazy thing is is that
her opinion is based upon I don't know
what because she has never even talked
to my husband before she has much less
not even heard his voice but he is an
abuser a beater a horrible person so
again that put another strike on me
about her that how could I even have a
relationship with this person when she
has got the most ill opinion upon my
husband and she doesn't even know him
that is my husband that is the father to
my children
and I just it baffles me so bad but my
mom continuously acts as though I should
get over it it's time to move on and so
when she called me yesterday and she
still had kind of that kind of attitude
of well you know basically acting as
though I need to just get over it you
know and she's like well there's
something called forgiveness and I said
Oh most definitely I said and I have
forgiven her in fact I have forgiven
everybody that has done wrong to me in
the past because I had I not given like
given forgiveness to people I would not
be able to move on I would not be able
to be the person I am today
had I not forgiven people so you're
right there is something called
forgiveness and I have done that but
there's also something called you don't
forget and I cannot easily forget the
comments that have been made about my
baby that passed away the comments that
have been made about my husband whom
somebody has not met the comments that
have been made about my marriage and
about my family and about the choice of
religion that I have chosen to be in and
you know I told her yesterday I said you
know
I was talking you know with my mom I
said the thing is is that grandma will
never be able to have a relationship
with me because her relationship is
based on religion she can't have an
unconditional love relationship with me
because I guess she wouldn't be able to
unconditionally love me she would be
able to conditionally love me because
she would expect me to choose my
religion or her she can't just embrace
me for who I am and for what I've chosen
to be and for what I am today because
she can't get over the past that that I
am a Muslim I believe in Islam she's a
Christian the the difference is is I
have no judgment against her for being a
Christian I embrace everybody and all of
their religions I embrace everybody and
their sexual orientation I embrace
everybody everybody my job is not to
judge and neither's is hers but that's
where we the that's where I clash with
people in my family because
unfortunately my family believes that
you are to believe in Christianity or
you're gonna go to hell and if you don't
believe in Christianity then you can't
have a relationship with them and I took
a stand and I chose the religion I
wanted to go into and when I made that
stand that's when my whole family turned
their back on me and I was X dot of the
family a hundred percent which again you
know what that it's their loss not mine
you know I I'm still I'm still moving on
I still am living you know three years
ago I stepped out of the box and I sent
a letter a card sorry a card to my
grandma with a picture of Jeremiah in it
because I was the Omar wasn't born yet
and she hadn't seen Maya since he was 18
months old
and so I sent an updated picture of him
asked
picture and you know I told her you know
I thought that maybe you would like to
have an updated picture of Jeremiah I
think about you often I love you and I
just kept a very short sweet and very
surface but I still reached out I was
trying to be the bigger person two weeks
later and this was like end of November
beginning of December of 14 yeah
2014 not more than two weeks later I get
a card from her so I open it up and
there's five dollars in there and she
says well this is all that I can afford
and you really need to work on your life
and your relationship with Jesus Christ
because if you don't you're gonna go to
hell okay so I hadn't talked to you in
five and a half years at that point I
did not send a card to you for you to
feel obligated to send me money and
that's not the way you send somebody a
gift anyways is well here's five dollars
cuz that's all I can afford that really
is not logically how you would send a
gift like I would never go and get a
gift for somebody and be like here you
can have this box because that's all I
could afford how do you think that
person would accept that gift they're
gonna be like whoa well then why did you
even buy a gift if you can't afford
anything not meaning I need something
better but you should have even taken
that dollar and bought me something you
should took that dollar and applied it
to what you need to apply it to because
surely that wasn't my intention okay
that's my point of this and nowhere was
there I'm sorry I love you I miss you I
you know I think about you often I want
to work on a relationship you know I'm
sorry about the nothing nothing but yet
now today my mom expects me to set
everything aside that has happened and
be okay with it and it
I'm not okay with it then I feel like
you know my mom takes it offensively
because it's her mom and I get that like
I said I understand it's her mom I never
ever ever denied that and I never will
deny that I know that's her mom but I
don't call her grandma I call her by her
name and I call her by her name because
to me a person that you call a title
whether it be mom dad grandma grandpa
you know brother-sister outside of
husband and children those are all
titles okay and the thing is is that as
I grew up and in every single family
that I ever lived in I always would call
them the the woman in the debt the woman
in the man mom and dad the civil the the
kids were my siblings because that's
just how I felt like I fit into a family
I felt like that is the only way that I
would be accepted was if I called the
woman mom the the guy a dad and so forth
and you know even if the person didn't
deserve to be called mom and dad I still
called them mom and dad because that is
a title that you it's a title that you
accept that allows you to be accepted if
that makes any sense so I don't feel
that my grandma no I'm calling her
grandma tonight and the only reason why
is because I don't want to put her name
out there so I'm calling her by the name
that you are by you know whom she truly
is to me but in reality I call her by
her name and I know that that makes my
mom mad I know that it makes my mom
angry because she will straight up
correct me like no that is your
grandmother you know you're not gonna
call her that and I'm like yeah I will
and you know it's just you know I moved
on from you know having to title
everybody something just to make myself
feel like I am a part of I don't have to
be a part of anything that I don't
want to be a part of but I'm also not
gonna feel obligated to have to call
somebody something because they're going
through something in a hard time of life
when I went through a very hard time in
life I needed support I needed
unconditional love I needed people to
you know to rally around me and know
that I wasn't alone but yet when I
looked to the left
I I was alone when I looked to the right
there was nobody there nobody was in the
back of me holding me up and I had
nobody in front of me to give me a hug
I was all alone so when I feel that the
people that have done me wrong in the
past are going through life hurdles that
they need support I am all about praying
for them but I'd be damned if I'm going
to be there to support them I will not
support somebody that could not be there
to support me in the hardest time of my
life when I lost my little boy and I
literally gave birth to a baby that was
dead and I just needed love and I didn't
get that I was told that he was an Arab
baby so it's okay who are you who really
are you so quickly my mom at the end of
this so I'm going to build it all up
because I know there's a lot to it so
abruptly my mom interrupted me as I was
explaining kind of this scenario that
we've talked about multiple times she
says hey I gotta take a vacuum to my
friend and I gotta feed Holly which is
her dog and I'll call you back in like
15 minutes I said oh okay that's fine
that you know that's fine click and we
hung up I knew at that very moment I
would not be getting a call back last
night because I know that when my mom
gets in an uncomfortable position and
when she knows that I am standing firm
for something and I'm not going to back
down and she's not going to
and thus win this challenge she will
just run away from it and clearly that's
what she did again last night is she
kind of ran away from it she she didn't
want to focus on it anymore so she
literally was like I'll call you back
and she didn't because she doesn't want
that conversation to come back up so you
know I guess my message is if you're
going through a situation where you've
been treated one way or another through
family friends co-workers whatever and
your heart has changed personally
towards them don't ever stop loving
don't ever stop praying
don't ever stop and allow your heart to
build hardness because of what they are
doing or have done to you you always
want your heart to stay soft but what
you can do is take the steps of
forgiving loving from a distance and
letting go and that's exactly what I
have done and that has allowed me to
start losing my weight focusing on
myself going to counseling for my
healing process of everything that I
have went through continuing to be able
to love my children unconditionally no
matter what they choose in life to do or
be or whatever and know how to truly
embrace my husband and last but not
least to embrace my religion for who he
choose to be and what I've chosen to be
not what my husband chose for me not
what anybody else has made a choice for
me but what I chose to be but again my
husband gets the title of being the one
that's forced me to be a Muslim that has
forced me into Islam because if I wasn't
a Muslim then he wouldn't be married to
me that is the farthest thing from the
truth but again nobody knows that truths
because they've never given him a chance
to ever explain any of that because
they've all had their own opinion spread
multiple rumors and lies
and that's where it all stands so yeah
that's what I went through last night
but you know what I woke up with a very
clear mind this morning as I usually
always do after I sleep on it and I feel
very confident with the conversation how
I held it and I will stand firm for what
I continue to believe in and that's that
and if people don't like it I'm sorry if
people can't accept it I'm sorry
talking my family but this is how I am
and this is who I am today and I don't
put up with backlash I don't put up with
disrespect I don't put up with people
thinking they need to dictate how I'm
gonna be who I'm gonna be and how I'm
gonna have a relationship because by the
end of the day it is my choice to handle
the situations in hindsight and that is
seeing the most clearest that I have
been able to ever see has been this last
six months that I've really been able to
really understand who my truly really am
and who I have been in the past
so anyways I'm gonna stop baffling there
I hope you guys enjoy enjoyed today I
know it's kind of an awkward awkward day
but it was just you know there's a lot
of craziness hopefully we'll be able to
like I said get back into our schedules
I really wanted to do a workout I might
still try and squeeze something in but I
just don't know it just all II really
doesn't think that it's a good idea so I
might just wait one more day even though
I don't want to but with everything that
has been said you guys I truly love
every one of you guys that are here
welcome to all the new subscribers I
love to see my Bell being rung and being
told that I have gained a new friend
so anyways with that said take care of
you guys
I will check in with you bright shiny in
the morning until then sweet dreams
[Music]